Poems and other such writings

So, as promised, here are some of my writings.
I shall put them in chronilogical order, so as to make more sense if need be.

Yeah.




Jan. 19
"So what am I, canned ham?"

So what did I do to make you hate me like this?

You think I'm controlling?

You think I'm "just too sure of myself"?

Oh ,so, I'm not good enough for your son just because I'm not tall, slender and blonde?

Well, here's a newsflash for you, honey.

I am who I am.

And I'm not changing myself for you.

I like your son, and he likes me.

deal with it.




Jan. 28
"Fighting the Butterflies in My Stomach"

fighting the lump in the back of my throat.

fighting my heart trying to jump right out of my chest.

fighting the angst, the sweaty hands, the swimming head.

fighting the agony.

fighting the hunger.

fighting the unwillingness to eat, too.

fighting the tears, the pain, the suffering.

fighting the need to punch someone in the face.

fighting the anger.

fighting the need for violence.

fighting the twitches, the urges, the shaking.

fighting my heart, ripping in two.

fighting the depression.

fighting my dependency on you.




Feb. 7
"Train Crash"

you can't look, but you can't look away.

you feel pity for the passengers, but you have no power to help anyone.

it happens slow, but fast at the same time.

hundreds of miles per hour, inertia overrules all human possibilities.

you can't do anything.

you just have to watch as it all goes downhill.

as lives slip away.

babies cry.

men scream.

women try to claw their way out.

all you can do is stand there.

stand there and watch.

all you see is the aftermath.

the rubbish.

the wreckage.







i'm tired of this *crap.

i'm tired of your *crap.

you know who i'm talking to.



you don't know me.

you don't know who i am.

you don't know what i live with every day.

you don't know what i think about before i drift into a nightmarish slumber.

so don't judge me.



don't judge me until you know me.




Feb. 26
"Sorrow Drips Into Your Heart Through a Pinhole"
"Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown"+





Looking, searching.

You wait in silence for a savior, a knight in shining armor.

Simple pleasures no longer ease your pain.

Nothing can keep your mind way, distract you.

You stand alone, watching.

Watching for a spark, a spark of something that may save you from drowning in the meaningless nothing that is sorrow.

Doubling over, the pain in your chest- your heart - grows stronger.

The throbbing, aching hole that once held love and compassion grows larger.

Is there hope?

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

All you can do is sit.

Sit and wait for either that knight in shining armor to save you...or the hole to consume your whole being.









+"Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie




Feb. 27
"Someday"

Someday I won't have to walk down the hall, hoping no-one sees my flaws.

Someday I'll make peace with my body.

Someday I won't be as critical.

Someday I won't be as interuptive.

Someday I'll actually give a good first impression.

Someday I'll learn my volume control.

Someday I won't be so mean.

Someday I won't be so awkward.

Someday I won't have to worry if people actually like me.

Someday I won't have to worry if my friends actually like me.

Someday I won't be envious of other girls' bodies.

Someday I won't be so annoying.

Someday I'll learn how to tell when I'm getting irritating.

Someday I won't complain about everything.

Someday I won't feel that my only aspect is my boobs.

Someday I won't be ignorant.

Someday I'll be able to share the real me.

Someday I'll have no secrets.

Someday I'll love.

Someday I'll be loved back.




Feb. 27
"Faux Hearts"

Sewn in parts,

Faux hearts.



I hear your words,

They don't mean the same.

I hate the way you feel,

But I don't think it's going to change.



Wretched veins pump stained blood

Untamed eyes can't see beyond

Your ears only hear words that please them

Fingers move robotic-like, as if prongs



I speak compassionate words

Your one-track mind can't process

My mind floods with possibilities, could-be's

Your mind empties what it thinks to be nonsense



You move on to new things

Your daily schedule goes at a steady pace

But with unexpected twists and turns,

Mine tends to bend and break.



My imagination wanders

Thinking about the day to come

Sauntering down an endless path

Wondering if he's going to run



There are so many possibilities

To not be alone

I can choose any one

But I prefer one close to home



I'd rather stick right here

Not to broaden my range

You'd rather adventure

Discover things new and strange



Sewn in parts fray and tear.

Faux hearts pump their last vein and must be replaced by a spare.

And the rag doll body has no use anymore.




March 4
"Pardon my French, but..."

Who gives a *darn whether Barack Obama is Muslim or not?

I certainly don't.



First of all, he has plainly said that he isn't Muslim.

Secondly, does it really matter?

It's not like he's some terrorist who's going to tear the walls of our society down, from the inside out.

Personally, I find what he says inspiring.

Listen to the other Presidential candidates. Sure what they preach is valid and true, but is it powerful? Does it inspire?

Not really.

I really don't give a *fudge what religion you are.

Be who you want to be.

Be what you want to be.

I, personally, think of myself as a tollerant person, being as my own mother has a girlfriend.

Worship the way you want, where you want, when you want.

I DON'T CARE.

I'm not going to go post some bulletin about how you're some demon who's going to tear our country apart.

I would never ever criticise someone because of their religion. That has nothing to do with what I see in people.

I don't care if you're some crazy Mormon that keeps calling me on my cell phone- YOU'RE NOT A BAD PERSON.

I don't care if you're Catholic and you think the Virgin Mary's vagina is holy or something- YOU'RE NOT A BAD PERSON.

I don't care if you're an atheist and have no religion- YOU'RE NOT A BAD PERSON.

And last, I don't care if you're Muslim, and people think you're a terrible candidate for president just because of that- I like you and YOU'RE NOT A BAD PERSON.




March 5
"'Cause I'm not who I used to be"

You may tire of me

As our day comes to a close



'Cause I'm not who I used to be



You may grow weary of me

You learn there are things that no one knows



'Cause I'm not who I used to be



You may give out on me

As my metaphorical sun is setting



'Cause I'm not who I used to be



You may worry about me

As my metaphorical moon is rising





No longer a merry surprise

This humor and wit masterfully disguise

The depression and pain below



No longer happy and alive

This laughter and satire masterfully disguise

The hatred and misery below



I no longer jubilantly thrive

This fake smile will masterfully disguise

The person I truely am below



Summers of my youth

I don't recall a single care

Winters of my future

I see pain and sorrow awaiting me there

Days of our lives pass like seasons

New feelings and maturity blossoming like Spring

I feel myself becoming cold and distant

As if I'm becoming more like Fall

I see my Winter lurking, big and ominous

It can't be avoided, my seasons must turn





Flashes of emotion rising and falling

Crashing like waves

I can feel the rain pouring down on me

Putting more and more pressure on my already weighted shoulders

My weak frame can only handle so much

The world seems determined to break me

Standing tall, raising your chin, holding your head high

Cannot last for long

If I could hold open my arms and pick up all my loss

I'd put it all in order

If I could open my mouth enough for all my words to pour out

They'd sing from mountain to mountain

If I could open my eyes to see all points of view

I could understand so much more

If I could open my heart enough to let others in

They'd see what I see in people, know what I know about my past, and learn what I live with every day



If I could be who I used to be

I wouldn't.




March 10
"I'm Sick"

I'm sick.

I'm not unhealthy, but I'm sick.

I'm sick of this world.

I'm sick of it's treacherous ways.

I'm sick of fake people.

I'm sick of being one of them.

I'm sick of emo kids who cut themselves only for attention when there are people with real problems that are overlooked because they either 1) seem fine or 2) people notice that they have issues, but think they're just another stereotypical emo kid

I'm sick of this war.

I'm sick of this president, whom will not be ours for much longer. (thank Jesus)

I'm sick of being called mean names.

I'm sick of having to listen to *bullcrud about gay rights being a bad thing.

I'm sick of people who try to make others unhappy just because they are unhappy.

I'm sick of covering up my unhappiness by making others too happy to notice.

I'm sick of hearing your excuses.

I'm sick of hearing your lies.

I'm sick of crying.

I'm sick of waiting.

I'm sick of watching my life pass me by.

I'm sick of being a slacker.

I'm sick of being unhappy about my body.

I'm sick of hearing crap about how "hot" or "sexy" a particular friend of mine is. I don't care. Don't tell me that. That only makes me feel worse about myself.

I'm sick of that particular friend always trying to one-up everyone. (no offense.)

I'm sick of being ignored.

I'm sick of being invisible.

I'm sick of the fact that the only way I can be recognized is by being stupid or annoying or funny.

I'm sick of not ever being taken seriously.

I'm sick of being called ignorant.

I'm sick of a certain someone always trying to bring me down.

I'm sick of pretending.

I'm sick.




March 11
"When I Hear Music"

Fluidity

Magic

Peace

That's what I think when I hear music.

Inspiration

Charm

Safety

That's what I feel when I hear music

Color

Flashes

Both a beginning and an end

That's what I see when I hear music

The repetition

The melody

The hamony

That's what I taste when I hear music

The crisp air

The sharpness of the beat

The deep, methodic breaths

That's what I smell when I hear music

The drum of my heart

Your name repeating over and over blocking out the lyrics

The drone of sounds blurring together as my mind soaks in more and more

That's what I hear when I hear music.



*replaced for "other" words. ;]